perception is not always reality

Leaders spend a lot of time in front of people, often having to lead meetings or deliver speeches of one sort or another.  Whenever I am in front of a group, I am able to observe many reactions of the listeners, some of which energize me and others which can quickly sap my energy.  The nods of agreement, the smiles, and the looks of engagement spur me on as a speaker; the frowns, the roll of eyes, the sighs, or watching people sleep can quickly distract and discourage me.  In a recent event I observed behavior which, at the time, seemed to be very dismissive of what I was trying to say.  Needless to say I was taken aback and, at that moment, faced two decisions - how would I react in the moment and how would I confront later on?

First, the moment: knowing I had to continue, I paused to gather my thoughts and kept going (though it was not easy).  As I look back at that decision, I realized that the pause was more of a breath, something I have learned through regular quiet and meditation.  The breath gave me a chance to step away from what would be my immediate reaction and remember that it was not about me...it was about the people in front of me.  As I finished my talk, I was then able to sit down and gather my thoughts about what I would do next.

Second, for later on: As I walked away from the immediate situation, I began to remember that perception is not always reality.  While I wanted to confront the behavior I had observed, I realized that it was my perception and may or may not have been the reality I believed it to be.  I began to consider the many things that might have occurred to cause this particular behavior and, upon reflection, realized there was no need to confront the behavior or even dwell on it.  It was my perception...it was someone's reality...but it may not have been the reality I believed it to be.

So why it is important for leaders to recognize the difference between perception and reality?  Here are a few thoughts:

• while leaders have a certain agenda, not everyone with whom they speak will have the same agenda.  Reaction to the leader's agenda is manifested in many ways...and it is often about the agenda, not the leader herself.
• leaders can often have fragile egos (it's probably what got them into their positions in the first place).  Managing these egos, especially in a public setting, can be hard work...and they have to be managed so as not to derail the speaker and his message.
• leaders can be very focused and, when distracted from their goal, can get irritable.  Perception (real or not) has a way of distracting people from what they are attempting to accomplish.
• taking the time to consider what things might be (rather than what one believes they are) can keep people from acting in ways or saying things that could be hurtful.  Consider the alternatives before confronting the situation.
• learning to breathe in the moment can turn a tense situation into a moment of clarity and continued dialogue.  There is much to be learned from the practice of meditation that can serve one's needs throughout the day.

Understanding and believing that perception is not always reality is something I believe that leaders should practice and improve at over time.  Thinking through one's day and considering alternative realities; bouncing possible realities off of a colleague; and reminding oneself over and over that perception is not always reality can provide a framework in which leaders react less quickly and keep themselves focused and on track for what matters.