a note on the leader's spouse

Last week I attended a conference for pastors of large churches, a conference that was equally designed for their spouses.  As I listened to several of the speakers, I realized that there is a role and calling for the spouse of the leader...and began thinking about what that actually means, for both the leader and their spouse or significant other.  For me, I have had the good fortune and opportunity to have been married for almost 36 years and can write from experience about the importance of the relationship between the leader and their spouse.  So what are the characteristics the spouse of a leader should consider?  Here are a few thoughts:

• be kind: the days of a leader can be long and hard...and sometimes the nights can be equally long and hard.  A little kindness goes a long way at the end (or beginning) of the day.
• be demanding: the long days (and nights) are never a license for bad behavior.  Leaders are often in charge all day long - they do not need to be the boss at home.
• be honest: it is easy for leaders to begin to believe their own press after a time.  Holding a mirror up to your spouse from time to time keeps them humble and realistic.
• be their biggest fan: leaders are often the target of second guesses and on the receiving end of complaints and skeptical comments.  Knowing they will always have someone on their side does much to keep their fires lit and their enthusiasm going.
• be present: when spouses have time together, it is important that they both be present.  Demand (see above) that your significant other is ready to fully engage and bring their full self to the discussion.
• be interested: while some leaders may want to leave their work behind at the end of the day, they still want to know that someone cares about their work and wants to know what happened during the day.
• be your own person: leaders of organizations (especially large organizations) often have personalities that match that organization's size.  Spouses must have their own voice and their own sense of who they are beyond their significant other's role.
• be hopeful: there are times in a leader's life when hope begins to wane and they need support to keep going.  The same can be true of spouses...remaining hopeful in the midst of the dark times is important to both the leader and their spouse.

One other thought to consider...many leaders become mentors to other leaders.  In that mentoring process, remember to consider the leader's spouse and remind them of the importance of that other person in their life.  Keeping this relationship strong should be a priority for all leaders...and for those who mentor them.