forgiveness as a leadership tool

I had a phenomenal experience yesterday in class where I had to ask forgiveness from a student, and when he replied "don't worry about it" we as a class had a 15 minute dialogue around the ability to say "I forgive you" and how powerful those words are in a leadership position. I believe most people are afraid to say "I forgive you" because they think that those words nullify any consequences that should follow the inappropriate behavior. But perhaps one of the great things I have personally practiced...and that I teach my students to say are the words "I forgive you AND you're fired" (or fill in the approriate consequence).

The power of forgiveness lies in the fact that through those words realtionships can be healed and people can be freed from their guilt. The consequences will still follow (if you embezzle money from the organization, and upon being caught show true remorse, I will forgive you AND fire you...my hope is that you will know you are forgiven and can then move on with your life in a new position). If leadership is about people and influence, then I need to be a person who understands the need for people to be FREE in their lives - and carrying around guilt will keep one burdened in a way that will never allow them to live out their gifts.

This begins in simple ways:

1. a report is late in getting to your desk - your colleague says they are sorry it is late - you look at them and decide to say "I forgive you." It may seem silly, but imagine the impact it has on that individual.
2. a spouse says a harsh word - as soon as it is out of their mouth they say "I'm sorry" - your first response can be "I forgive you" - imagine the differnece that can make in a relationship.
3. a co-worker speaks a harsh word about you behind your back - you hear about it and confront them. When they apologize, you look at them and say "I forgive you AND is there anything I am doing that caused you to say that?" Imagine the rich conversation that can take place at that moment.
4. one of your reports is abusive in their relationship to another employee - when their behavior doesn't change, they are put on notice. Finally you have to terminate them from their position. They come to your office in tears realiziung now that their behavior was inappropriate, and ask for another chance. You look at them and respond with "I forgive you AND I have to let you go because of the hurt you have caused others in this organziation and your continued behavior does not show that you have the ability at this point to make the necessary changes." Imagine the effect this can have on the worker - AND on the organization itself.

So how are you at saying those three words? Take time right now to say them outloud - see how they sound - practice them while driving in your car...in your shower...while mowing the yard. And the next time someone says "I'm sorry" be sure to pause and remember to say "I forgive you." Imagine what might happen...

leading with a mirror

I find that there are many times I complain about how others lead, but often forget to complain about how I lead. I live in a world in which I believe my decisions are (or would be) best - and wonder why other make the decisions they do. I see my actions as heroic - and others' actions as dimwitted. I think that my ability to bring people along is a fine-tuned skill, honed by multiple years of experience - and watch others fail to even communicate with those who are under their care. I look upon my ability to get things done as almost superhuman - and wonder why others seem lost in a paper bag.

Of course, I hope I also have sense enough to know that others feel the same way about themselves - and me. It is our narcissistic tendency to believe the best about ourselves and the worst about others. Somehow the mirror I look into only reflects what I want to see, not what I should be seeing. I often wonder how others have seemed to purchase the same mirror. So what is a leader to do? How can we get and use the right mirror which gives us a true reflection of how we lead?

Perhaps the answer lies in a two fold manner - first, having a mechanism in which to do honest gut checks with ones self; and second in having another person who is constantly checking to make sure the leader is using the correct mirror. Honest gut checks are often difficult to perform. Using a leadership assessment tool is often just a glorified mirror in which I self report about all the great things I am doing and how I believe others see me. Journaling is often no more than a reflection of the great things I do and the lousy things others do. Going off on a retreat and being silent helps reinforce the narcissistic mirror I might already be using. Listening to what others have to say about you often puts followers in a spot in which they will also reinforce the use of the "bad" mirror.

Having another person whom one relies on to give honest feedback can be tricky - should this be a good friend (do you really want your best friend to tell you about the lousy job you are doing)?; should this be a hired coach (why would I pay all that money to have someone tell me how bad I really am)?; should it be one's spouse (do I really need to hear about my faults at the end of the day)?; what about one's supervisor (and when my promotion is on the line, is this really the person I want examining what I fail to do each day)?

So what do we do? I suppose it is a combination of all the above, as well as having the ability to be emotionally honest with one's self and begin by admitting they might be wrong (this could be the start of a "leaders anonymous" group). The other day I walked into a colleague's office, incredibly upset about several decisons that had recently been made. I was ready to charge forward and try to fix the situation (even though it was not my situation to fix). I walked in and said, "I need a gut check" and proceeded to tell him what was going on. Throughout the conversation I kept saying "I might be wrong" and at times he confirmed that yes, I might be wrong - and at other times confirmed that I might be right. My ability to admit I might be wrong - and his counsel - all helped to settle me down and make a better decision.

There is no definite answer here...perhaps the greatest tool one can have to be sure they are using the right mirror is to recognize that in a position of leadership, it is often easier to use the wrong mirror that it is the right one. If I know that...if I remember that...if I recognize the times I tend to use one or the other...if I have someone to help me remember to use the right one...if I force myself to pull out the right mirror on a regular basis...if I am able to look into that mirror and believe what I see and then act on it - perhaps then my leadership can have a stronger and more positive impact on the people I lead and the institution to which I have been called.

So...which mirror have you looked into recently? Are you leading with the wrong mirror - or the right mirror? And what are you doing to be sure you are using the right one on a more regular basis?

gracious leadership

The other day I sent a note to a group of people thanking them for thier graciousness during a time of transition. One of the members of that group (and a frequent reader of this blog) suggested I write about "gracious leadership" - and what that might look like in an organization. I have been contemplating that idea for about 24 hours, so bear with me as I "think out loud" about gracious leadership.

The idea of being gracious sounds as if I am hosting a dinner party, and my goal is to be a gracious host. I imagine that one who is gracious is "full of grace" - and that has incredible implications for leadership. Leaders who are full of grace might:

• think before they speak - how many times do those first words out of one's mouth end up hurting someone? Emotionally aware leaders will put the brakes on, especially if they know they tend to be sarcastic or "witty." Begin gracious in one's speech sometimes means not speaking what you think, but speaking words that build up another's countenance.
• consider asking another's opinion - there is a built-in mechanism in most organziations that assumes those who have a title have more information with which to make better decisions. Gracious leaders will go to those who are closest to the issue and ask for their ideas and opinions - and invite them to be a part of the decision making process
• be quiet and listen - I think that gracious leaders are the ones who think about asking really good questions, and then shut up and listen - really listen. Allowing others to talk and engage in the thinking process is truly an act of grace, because it invites people into an enriching dialogue, not a one-way discussion
• not assume they are always right - one of the phrases I like to teach my students to be able to say is "I might be wrong." This is a powerful statement, as it shows vulnerability and allows others to perhaps be right, once again enriching the conversation
• allow for flexibility in his or her co-workers - there is so much more to life than work, and understanding that shows graciousness on the part of the leader. Acting on that understanding moves the leader to the next level
• always see the best in people - I believe that God has gifted everyone with a set of gifts, talents and skills, and that people truly want to use those in their lives. Helping others uncover and use those gifts can make a world of difference in an organization, as people are freed to live out their calling where God has placed them
• be a person of forgiveness - being able to say the words' I forgive you" may be one of the hardest things leaders have to do, because there is an assumption that in saying those words, there will be no accountability for actions that harm the organization. Dietrich Bonhoeffer in his book The Cost of Discipleship talks about "cheap grace" - grace that has no accountability or cost. I would say the same of forgiveness - cheap forgiveness can only do harm to an individual and an institution. A gracious leader is able to forgive and hold accountable, specifically because they are gracious

So how does one become a gracious leader? I think it begins with oneself - do I understand (really understand) how God has been gracious toward me...and can I then be gracious toward myself? Am I comfortable with my own gifts and talents...am I able to listen to myself...can I accept that I am wrong from time to time...can I look at my own work and see it as good...can I be flexible in my personal schedule...is there balance in my own life? As one comes to understand this aspect of self-leadership, they can then move into leading others in a gracious manner.

Special thanks to my friend Carrie for nudging me to write about this topic. I think that perhaps she has shown me gracious leadership by seeing that I should - and could - write about this topic. It's my prayer that she - and others - will set an example of gracious leadership among their co-workers and through that process create a gracious organization. Now doesn't that sound like a cool place to work?

when leaders can't lead

As I considered what to name this blog, I vacilated between using the word "can't" and "won't." I suppose that the word "can't" implies the inability to do so, either through lack of knowledge or resources. The idea behind "won't" is that someone has the knowledge and resources and willfully chooses not to use them in their leadership role. Once this blog is finished, I will leave it up to the reader to decide which term may be the most appropriate...

How many times during the course of one's career do people observe a leader who continues to do things that defy the imagination? How one treats people...the decisions one makes...the policies one enacts...the lack of decisive action when needed...the inapproriate comments and behaviors...the unwillingness to listen...the unwillingness to use people's passions and gifts...the stupid things one says and does...and like most of the other lists in my blogs, this one too could go on and on.

When I observe these types of behaviors in people who have been placed in leadership positions (note the difference between leaders and people placed in leadership positions) I do not know if they are incapable of acting in a manner that for all intentional purposes is the exact opposite of what leaders should be doing - or if they choose in the moment to wilfully act in that manner. It does not make any sense to me that a mature person, who has the ability to read and observe other leaders, would behave in such a manner that would be degrading to individuals and harm an organization. I am not talking about leaders making mistakes - that happens all the time. I have lost my temper...I have made bad decisions...I have acted in my own interest rather than that of the organization...but I beleive they are few and far between - they are, what we would call, lapses or mistakes. What we all observe from time to time are those people in leadership positions who consistently and wilfully make decisions that hurt people and the organization. And for most of these people, I assume (and I could be wrong here) that they have been told about these behaviors, and yet they stil continue to function in this manner. Someone please help me understand this phenomenon...

So here is what I think - and then I will share what may be done:

• I think that many people move forward in their careers by behaving badly, but that it does not hurt others or the organization because either a) they are so low on the organizational chart that no one notices or cares as long as the work gets done; or b) they are lone rangers who are incredibly successful and their organization (or industry) is afraid to hold them accountable for fear they may leave
• I think that often times people are rewarded for results, and that the bad behavior becomes tolerated, which then becomes part of the culture, which then becomes institutionalized. How can a leader who behaves badly be called to account when that is the way other people in leadership positions behave within the organization?
• I think that some people just don't know any better - they were treated this way in the past and that is the only way they know how to function in a leadership role (we all know of parents who abuse their children because they were abused as a child)
• I think for many people in ledership positions it may be scary to change their behavior - they have built their reputation on a certain way of behaving (and many times wear it as a badge of honor) and to ask them to change seems to them an impossibility

So what can be done?

• Leaders need to be held accountable - when they behave badly someone needs to stand up to them and hold out the mirror. If the person holding the mirror needs protection, then the organization should provide that in some shape or form
• Leaders need to learn - no one shuld be beyond improving their leadership skills and abilities. I wonder how many leaders who won't/can't lead have attended serious leadership training and development courses recently?
• Leaders need to focus on people - while those in leadership positions are held accountable to results, they should also be accountable to people. At the end of the day, all an organization has is it's people - and they need to be taken care of and handled in a way that builds them up and uses their gifts
• Organizations need to know the results of a leader's bad behavior - when someone leaves an organziation because of bad leadership, that person needs to let the organization know - so that others may not need to suffer in a similar position.
• Build a culture that holds leaders accountable for their actions, not just their results - if an organization believes that people are important, then those in leadership positions need to act in a manner that supports that value.

All this being said, there are those leaders who often "suffer in silence." Becasue they play by the rules...because they put people first...because they do not bully others...because they are making decisions that are for the good of the organization AND its people...because they are constantly learning how to improve themselves...because they can say "I may be wrong"...they often get overshadowed by those who can't/won't lead. I believe that these leaders need recognition for what they do - and for who they are...they should receive the necessary resources needed for their departments...they should receive the acknowledgement that they deserve...they should be listened to more closely than others...and they should be the ones of whom it will be said, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

confronting with the truth

It may be the most difficult thing in the world to do - to look someone in the eye and confront them with the truth (or at least the truth as you perceive it to be at that moment). Over the past several days, I have come across several incidents (some directly related to me...others that I heard about through the grapevine) that I believed needed to be dealt with in a quick and truthful manner. The problem was that to do so would have put people in the awkward position of looking someone in the eye and confronting them with something they said or did. OUCH!

But here's the problem...if the person and their actions are not confronted, then it goes without saying that the action is permissible within the organization. If I decide that it is okay to trash a fellow worker openly and publicly, without any type of reprimand or acknowledgement that doing so is inapproriate, then others will believe that they too can engage in that type of behavior, and soon it becomes a part of the culture. Confronting people with the truth when they act outside the bounds of what is right and acceptable becomes a way to build a strong (positive) culture - and that is one of the roles of a leader. Not confronting the person with their action allows the culture to become weak (negative) and soon everyone believes that any type of action is not only allowable and tolerable, but becomes "the way we do things around here."

So just how can one become a master of confronting others with the truth so as to build a strong culture? Here are a few thoughts from someone (me) who has had to do this, but never likes to do so...

1. Be careful...when you hear about the innaproriate behavior, ask yourself if the behavior is truly wrong for the organization, or if it is just something that pushes one of your own personal buttons.
2. Be careful...ask a lot of questions of what you see and hear to be sure that the behavior really happened the way you saw and/or heard about it. It can be very damaging to confront someone with the truth when it is NOT the truth.
3. Be careful...sometimes you may need to confront without knowing all the facts. I will begin those conversations with, "I heard/saw this and I need to know if it is the truth or not. If so, we need to have a discussion about it...if not, then I need that information to go back to the source and let them know they were wrong." It is always a good idea to believe the best rather than assume the worst when having to confront someone with the truth.
4. Be careful...and couch your words in "organizational" terms. I try to point out how someone's actions and behavior hurts not only individuals, but also the organization. In a recent inscident where I confronted someone over a social media posting, I had the opportunity to talk about the responsibilities one has to the organization when choosing to use social media and other forms of communication.
5. Be careful...check your own motives and feelings. Are you excited to do this? Is this going to be an "I gotcha" event for you? Are you relishing the moment you get to confront with the truth? If so, STOP and wait. This should be a very difficult conversation for you, because you are holding up a mirror to others of their own wrongdoing. A wise man once said to me that when firing someone becomes too easy (or too fun) it is time to get out of that position, because you have lost your ability to care for people.
6. Be careful...but be BOLD. This is no time or place for the faint of heart. You cannot and should not shirk your repsonsibility to confront - that is the calling of the leader as "keeper of the culture." Go to that person, look them in the eye, and state why you are there. Be sure to practice beforehand what you plan to say, and then say it.
7. Be careful...and be quiet. Once you have stated what you need to say, let the other person talk. They may have another side of the story you did not know...they may be so ashamed they do not know what to say...they may need the time to find words to ask for forgiveness...they may need time to collect their thoughts as to how to respond. Give them that time - and be gracious as you listen to their reponse.
8. Be careful...and be willing to forgive. When the mirrior is held up to someone in which they see their action for what they really were, that is the the moment when they might confess their wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness. At that point do NOT say, "that's okay" or "be sure it never happens again" or "don't worry about it." Say these powerful words - "I forgive you." And then stop. No need to follow up with "don't let it happen again," or "I'll be watching." Let them know of any consequences that may occur as a result of their behavior (memo in file, need to meet with another person to explain) but do not heep more fire on the situation with threats or demands.

I hope that most of us do not find ourselves in situations where these type of conversations have to take place on a regular basis. However, if the environment in whihc you find yourself today is a bit toxic, then I encourage you to start having these conversations - and watch what happens. After confronting a few people with the truth, it is my guess you will find yourself doing it less and less because you are building that culture in which people behave in a way consistent with the norms of the organization. And that makes for a healty (positive) workplace...or board...or church...or school...or even one's home.

when the obvious is not so obvious

This past week I came across a decison made at my university that I thought was a poor decision - the right answer seeemed so obvious to me, and yet the decsion was made that seemed to make little or no sense. As I contemplated the disconnect between what I believed to be the obvious decision - and the decision that was ultimately made - I wondered to myself "who is wrong in this situation...me or the other person?" So I began to explore some other questions that might help me understand the disconnect I was experiencing:

• what might they know that I do not know?
• am I the only one experiencing this disconnect, or do others feel the same way?
• why am I feeling this disconnect - what is driving my reasoning behind this?
• since this decision is not in the realm of my own job description, why am I even caring?
• if what I percieve to be obvious is not so obvious to the person making the decision, what part of the decision making process is not so obvious to that person (or to me)?
• what is it that might drive someone to make a decision opposite of what I believe that even they should perceive as obvious?
• how many times do I make a decision which seems obvious to me - but is probably perceived by others as a wrong decision?
• are there ways to make my decision making process more transparent so that those who do not understand why I make certain decisions will be able to understand why I made the decision I did?

When I see a decision made that seems so "wrong" in my own eyes, my first impluse is to go and let that person know that I believe the decision they made was wrong. For some reason, I believe that my decision making process must be superior to their decision making process, and that if they would only listen to me they could change their decision and do the right thing. I learned long ago that going to that person to express my opinion often does little or no good. Even if it is done with good intentions (for whose good?) I will probably be perceived as a "know-it-all" and will lose respect and trust with that person. I do believe there are times when one has the right - and responsibility - to ask for a clarification of why a decision has been made...but am also discovering that it should truly be for clarification, not because I believe it is a wrong decision (that's a fine line that will most often show up in how the question is asked). This is especailly true when the decision really does not affect what I am paid to do and does not interfere with the day-to-day living out of my vocation.

As I ramble through the writing of this blog, I have come to realize that this is the dilemma of most everyone in any organization - or any relationship. How many times during the day does one say "What were they thinking?" Often, we will never know...sometimes it might be best NOT to know - and at other times, it will be best to actually inquire and seek to understand the other person's thinking. What is obvious to me may not be so obvious to someone else...and what is obvious to them may not seem so obvious to me. I suppose that is what makes relationships - and organizations - so much fun to be a part of. As someone once said, if the two of us always think alike, then there is no need for both of us. Thank God for differences.

In the meantime, I will continue to wonder why that particular decision was made...and wrestle with the ambiguity that exists within me. And if I am ever in a place to make a similar decision...well, I better wait until I am there to decide what I will do.

the need to read

I recently returned from a four week vacation on the coast of Maine, where the orders of the day include a lot of reading - I prepare months finding the right books, deciding what to read and how much time to devote to my reading. Each year, my wife and I ship up a box of books that will occupy us for the time we are at our summer haven. This year, the box was lost in the mail...so we had to use local resources like the library, the used book stores, and our good friends at amazon.com. I ended up reading Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged; more recently published books including both The Secret Life of Henrietta Lacks and An Organic Manifesto; Cormac McCarthy's All the Pretty Horses; Gibert Martin's 1000-page biography Winston Churchill: A Life; and the first two volumes of Marcel Proust's 6 volume epic novel In Search of Lost Time. It was a good vacation as it allowed me to read several tomes I had been putting off for awhile.

Returning from vacation put me back into the "read when I can find time" mode, which always has me reading several books at one time. As I looked at the stack of books on my present reading list, I was struck by the fact that I tend to read in areas in which I am presently involved. The following list will tell you more about what I am presently thinking about and doing:

• Business Leadership: A Jossey-Bass Reader...preparing for teaching in The Concordia MBA
• The Effective Executive in Action (Drucker)...attempting to change how I lead and manage the multiple programs and people in the College of Business
• Afghanistan: A Military History (Tanner)...all of our Freshman are reading The Kite Runner as they come to campus this fall
• Not For Profit: Why Democracy Needs the Humanities (Nussbaum)...CTX is going through a curriculum transformation and defining how a liberal arts education shapes our students
• Mere Christianity (CS Lewis)...trying to understnad how the cardinal virtues shape leadership
• Ulysses (James Joyce)...began this book toward the end of vacation and trying to finish it as this point

Someone coined the phrase "leaders are readers" (and the other truth that "not all readers are necessarily leaders"). I believe that's true as reading allows one to learn and to enter the world of others. I am a firm believer that great literature - especailly great fiction - allows the reader to more fully understand the human dilemma, and become more empathetic through the process. Reading great fiction is engrossing - and fully transports the reader to a different time and place...and yet, it is most often one's own time and place also. To read Proust is to look into one's own past...to read Tolstoy is to know that we too can experience the same issues and situations...to read Steinbeck is to catch a glimpse of how others survive the drama of life. Reading this type of literature is not easy - nor is it always relaxing - but it is rewarding. So...what are you reading right now?